The announcement of Kylie Jenner’s pregnancy last month means the amount of time and energy the population (A.K.A me) spend on ‘keeping up’ with multi-million dollar family is set to, if possible, increase.
Upon the leak of her daughter Kim Kardashian’s sex tape in 2007, which is now worth more money than my parents’ house, executive-producer Kris Jenner decided to launch the beginning of the reality-TV series creation which would bring 150 hours of unsubtle product placement TV into the homes of 3 million Americans. Seeing this as a bigger waste of time and money then a John Farnham comeback tour, I have compiled a list of activities which take the approximately the same amount of time as all the hours these idiots (me) have spent watching Kim choose her next mansion and Kylie choose her next face.
Travel to the moon.
I wish I was kidding. It seems in less time its taken me to watch all the Kardashian episodes, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin managed to take their Saturn V multi-stage rocket to the freaking moon. Possible benefits to this 122 hour, or 162 and a half KUWK episode long journey include having no medium for sound to possibly travel through, keeping you well away from the sounds of Kourtney’s monotonous accusations of Khloe being a bad sister due to her refusal to pick up her dry cleaning, or Kim’s 2011 hit single ‘Jam’, which had a public popularity similar to the plague. It may be a stretch, but the 2 and a half day flights either way could even allow you just enough time to unfollow every single Kardashian family member on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
Climb Mt Kilimanjaro.
A 6 day, or 199 KUWK episode-long, treacherous hike will take you up and down Africa’s most majestic mountain, Mount Kilimanjaro. Not only are the breathtaking views and snow-caps everlasting, but so is the 2 mile radius of zero phone-service upon Tanzanian natural wonder. This means that you can spend as many hours enjoying the fresh, Kardashian-free mountain air as Kylie does filming herself on snapchat. Infinite.
Become a yoga teacher.
The 150 hours you spent watching Kourtney divorce Scott every fortnight could have gained you your teaching status in this ancient Indian practice. Not only will you gain a skill irreplaceable in value, heaps of yoga collages are located in India itself, again limiting the presence of Kim’s naked rear on your newsfeed (a million-dollar App idea am I right?). As your calf muscles stretch and the incense burns, try to draw your mind to your breath, and away from thoughts of the possible next series and how the hell Kanye is going to get out of this one.
They are your brain cells, ladies.