Coco Chanel once said, “As long as you know most men are like children, you know everything.” In realising that none of the children I have ever known have yelled “show us your tits” out of a passing ute, I defiantly got me thinking… they can’t ALL be the time-wasting, top-knot-rocking, back-handed-compliment heart-breakers right?…RIGHT?
Let me start by saying I know so many lovely, sweet, normal-hairstyle-achieving members of the male species who would treat any girl like the queen she is. Perhaps he who drove Coco coconuts was a one off, a dud, a fluke? Maybe I should investigate the one man all woman should avoid? In taking a swing through the relationship rainforest to find out, I landed head first into a tree when realising there is actually three.
Three types of men that woman everywhere can blame for years of tears, tantrums, and unanswered texts. Three types of men who you may find yourself running through daisy-fields with at the start of the relationship, before ending on similar terms as Voldemort and Harry at the end of it. Three types of men that any self-respecting, sanity-loving woman should avoid.
We’ve all been there, ladies. He’s the sweetest guy you know, so you agreed to go on a few dates with him. Its been some time, your ovaries still ain’t doing backflips at the sight of him, so you decide to hose down the campfire before it burns down the forest. But his momma didn’t raise no quitter, and here you are still getting those ‘so when are we hanging out again’ texts. Despite you making it clear that he’s not even your shot of tequila let alone your cup of tea, he is still liking all your Facebook posts, calls you up ‘by accident’, and somehow manages to be on first name basis with your mum (who wants you to marry him, obviously). As he lacks the work ethic of an actual stalker, barriers with this one can kept at relatively low security. However, jealousy can turn these creatures volatile, and therefore each clinger must be kept areas of your dating forest then the guys you do want (who me and my friends like to call ‘potentials’) at risk of starting a catfight.
– Your workplace (“just popping in, forgot you worked here!”)
– Any bar, club, or restaurant he has seen you check-in to on Facebook.
– The comments section of your last Instagram post.
With a phone contact-list fuller then the yellow pages and cologne that can be smelt from across the street, these narcissistic charmers will run for the hills at even a whisper of the C word (commitment). Their favourite activities can include telling you all about his ‘crazy-ex’s’, and ignoring you in public. These predators’ hunting rituals will find ways around their infamy in the female community to try and make you feel like you are different, and only you can change him. The most caution must be taken when answering any incoming calls after 1am.
– At the nightclub they promote for
– Messaging your best friend
– On Tinder
The ‘Nice’ Guy
This guy got called a gentleman once when he let a girl walk in front of him in the supermarket line and he has rolled with it ever since. An avid user of ‘vending-machine-logic’, this guy probably tried to buy you lunch back in 2010 and now thinks you owe him a relationship. Common behaviour in the wild include showering you with backhanded compliments, guilt-tripping you about making too much eye contact with the male waiter, and complaining about how girls choose to date assholes instead of giving nice guys like him a shot.
– Your university, usually the science campus
– Trashing the Kardashians on Twitter
– Listening to bands “you’ve probably never heard of”